Worlds Worst Parent
by Umineko-san
Summary: Naraku is having problems with his teenager Kagura, and resorts to some EMBARRASING measures to get approval from his eldest daughter. Read and laugh your ass off. R&R!
1. Burnt eggs

**O,k. This is my first ever fan fiction so have mercy! For I am a crappy writer! All reviews are welcome! Flames and all!**

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I do own Inuyasha. I also own a pink elephant, a jaguar and I eat trees.

**Teenagers these days**

Chapter 1

T'was a fine sunny morning, as Kagura stomped down the stairs for breakfast. 'Urgh…Monday, I hate Mondays.' She thought as she was welcomed into the gleaming kitchen (Naraku was a clean freak) by a cloud of black smoke and chorus of "Good morning big sishta!" from her two youngest siblings Kanna and Hakudoushi.

Kagura snorted in disgust and slumped into the nearest chair.

She squinted through the black smoke for her father and snorted as she spotted him wearing a white floppy chef's hat and mumbling angrily to himself as he turned over his now burned scrambled eggs.

"Cursed eggs, _horrible_ quality, never buying these again, stupid salesman said they were _very good_…good my a-"

"Morning dad!" Kagura interrupted before Naraku could finish his sentence. Naraku spun around to see who dared to interrupt his complaining when he spotted his eldest teenage daughter.

"oh, its _you,_ hold on a sec…" He turned off the stove and turned to face Kagura putting on a big fake smile. Kagura noticed he had something in his teeth.

"Would you like some eggs dearest Kagura?" He said sweetly. She raised an eyebrow and said "er…no thanks, I'll just have some toast on the way to school." Kagura snatched a slice of bread off Kanna's plate "Hey that's mine!" and started to make her way out when Naraku ran up to her and said in a worried voice "But you _must_ eat well! Remember breakfast is the most important meal of the day!"

Kagura looked into the burnt black saucepan and gave a look of disgust at the burnt mess inside.

"Whatever" And with that, Kagura grabbed her books and left, slamming the door behind her.

Naraku sighed loudly and went back to the kitchen. He opened the bin lid with his foot and dumped the eggs, and turned around to leave when he looked down at the burnt saucepan and threw it in the bin aswell.

Naraku flopped down into a chair and massaged his temples. Hakudoushi gave up trying to swallow Naraku's 'creation' which was burnt banana on burnt toast with burnt peanuts. He chucked it in the bin while Naraku had his head in his hands. "See ya later dad!" He yelled as he walked out the front door, Naraku didn't bother to reply and just waved his hand dismissively.

Suddenly, Naraku jerked his head up and noticed Kanna sill sitting there staring at him.

"Er…Kanna? Don't you think you should go to school now?"

"Hmm? Oh yes……" And without taking her eyes off Naraku, she slowly got up, gently lifted her books off the table, and quietly shut the door.

Naraku stared after her for a while, then he made the most of being alone by letting out a wail and burying his head in his arms sobbing noisily.

DING DONG!

Naraku stopped crying immediately and leapt to his feet. He ran to the door and let out a squeal of delight as he found that it was his older brother Kagewaki.

As soon as Naraku wrenched the door open Kagewaki (unshaved, filthy and unemployed) pushed past Naraku, slumped into the squashy purple sofa and turned on the TV flipping the channels with the remote.

Naraku, who was taken by surprise at Kagewaki's actions, was left standing at the door with his arms outstretched in the attempt of giving his big brother a hug.

He slowly lowered his arms, closed the door and strolled over to the sofa to try and make conversation.

"so…er..hows it going?" Kagewaki grunted. Naraku tried again.

"oh…ok, and um…why are you here?"

"Didn't wanna pay the electricity bill, got cut off" Kagewaki replied without taking his eyes off the TV screen.

"oh really?" said Naraku acting as if this was a perfectly normal conversation. "so how are you going to pay for it?" Kagewaki said nothing.

Naraku gave up and sat down next to his brother letting out a big sigh. He glanced at Kagewaki to see if he had noticed. Which he hadn't. Naraku tried again with a louder obvious sigh. Damn, no luck.

This time he gave a forced manly cough. Kagewaki finally noticed, he sighed irritably, turned off the TV and turned to face his annoying little brother.

"What's up squirt?" "Oh Kagi…" Naraku's lip trembled and he cracked.

"IM SUCH A FAILURE! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A FATHER! WAAAAHHH!" He threw himself onto Kagewaki crying his heart out on Kagewaki's chest.

Kagewaki, who seemed used to this kind of behaviour, patted Naraku on the back and said flatly "there there, let it all out now." He looked longingly at the blank TV screen.

Naraku explained his situation through sobs "It's just that sob Kagura doesn't seem to like me anymore and sniff I don't know what to do!" He was about to throw himself on to Kagewaki to have a good wail again when Kagewaki stood up suddenly which made Naraku receive a faceful of sofa.

Kagewaki paced up and down the room thoughtfully "hmm…I think…yeah…GIT!" He pointed an accusing finger at Naraku.

Naraku lifted his head out of the sofa and stared at him with red bloodshot eyes.

"Not you too! I get enough of that from Kagura…"

"No! That guy, um, what's his name? He wrote that book." Kagewaki resumed pacing the room when it hit him, he slapped a dirty hand to his forehead "Flubbergitz!"

"Huh?" Naraku looked puzzled, then his expression cleared as he understood what his brother was raving on about.

"oohh, you mean DR.FLIBBERGITZ!" Naraku jumped off the sofa and ran to his wardrobe ("aha! Found it!") where he took out a very thick heavy book. He heaved it onto the table which made everything around it tremble.

He opened it and ran a finger down the contents page. "aha! HOW TO READ AND ACT AROUND A TEENAGER" Naraku seemed very excited and started reading feverishly.

Kagewaki plopped back onto the squashy sofa and turned on his beloved TV.

/---------------/-----------/-----------/--------------/-------------/--------

**How's that? Somehow it sounded so much better when it was in my head. Please review!**

**Otherwise ill send my evil kittens to scratch you to death!**

**MUHUHUHAAAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. Well at least until you write me a review. (Koneko: kitten. 666: evil Geddit?) **

**I won't write until I get some opinions! º.º **

**'Miaw' they are coming….**


	2. Makeover

**Thank you blackcat686, Jhuoiya, Ididntdoit07! I luv ya! **

**Oh and if you didn't know this is Koneko666. I changed my name.**

**Disclaimer: **I own mushrooms. (Some guy comes and whispers in authors ear) WHAT? RUMIKO OWNS THOSE TOO? OH F-

Naraku had it all planned, he would get a few things from the mall and then he would pick up Kagura from school! He could hardly contain his excitement. So he skipped all the way.

It was finally time to get out of school, and Kagura was deep in thought as she walked out of the school doors,

'O.k. Remember, _be nice_.' " Hey Kagura!"

Kagura panicked, it was a male voice! Maybe it was a teacher? What did she do this time?

She spun round to find herself face to face with her dream guy. But Kagura was convinced that she was in trouble.

"I didn't do it." She said stupidly.

Hojo blinked at her. (he wasn't very bright either)

"Er, ok. Anyway I was wondering if I could...maybe…walk you home?"

Kagura recovered from her guilty conscience and entered into La la land. She couldn't believe it! The most popular guy un school was asking _her_ if he could walk her home! It was a dream come true!

She tried to sound uncaring when she answered " If you want to."

Just then, a group of cheerleaders went past staring at them two. Kagura decided to make the most of the situation.

"Say, do you wanna stay at my place for din - flashback of Naraku's burnt eggs -er- to study?"

The popular girls gasped and walked away whispering to each other.

"Sure." Was Hojo's reply. Kagura smiled and lead the way to her house, when her eye caught sight of something purple coming in the distance.

'Whoa, whatta freak!' She squinted to get a better look. ' He kinda looks familiar…oh no- it cant be!'

Kagura stopped walking abruptly causing Hojo to bash into her.

"What's wrong? Who's THAT?"

Kagura snapped into action and tried to shove Hojo to the opposite direction.

"This way Hojo!"

"But isn't that the long way?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" She said desperately. But, too late.

"Yo dudes!"

Kagura screwed up her face in despair and turned to face the one thing that would ruin her life in school forever. 'Thank you dad'

Hojo had turned back to 'admire' Naraku's choice of clothing: a white baggy tracksuit, a purple vest, a white jacket with a hood and purple stripes, gold medallions hanging from his neck, dark purple shades and chunky gold rings on every finger. He had also gelled his hair.

" Nara – I mean…"

"Do you know this guy?" Hojo asked disbelievingly.

"No! Of course not! Never seen him before…never."

Naraku ignored her.

"So! How's it hangin'…dudes?" Naraku made those hand gestures that the rappers do.

Kagura was shocked. 'hanging?' 'Dudes?'

"_Dad! What in the seven hells do you think you are doing!_" She whispered angrily, she looked worriedly at Hojo to see if he had heard but he was too busy looking at Naraku's purple shoes which were 2 sizes too big.

"Why, Im just picking up my favorite daughter from school innit?"

Hojo tore his eyes away from Naraku's hair to stare at Kagura.

"THIS is your DAD?"

Kagura was frantic now.

"No! I have never seen this guy in my life! And it cant be my dad, 'cause he's…he's…at work, in… his office. Yeah. So this cant be him."

"What? Office job? I wish! Nah! You know I sell hats in some second hand store-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH NARAKU!"

"Oh so you DO know this guy?"

"Yes! I mean NO! I mean Aaargh!"

People were starting to stare, Kagura had to put an end to this madness. She racked her brain for ideas.

"You see…" She started " This is my uncle"

Naraku lowered his shades and gave Kagura a questioning look. She ignored him and carried on.

"Yeah, and hes just come out of a special therapy, you know…" She tapped her temple to indicate that Naraku had lost it.

Hojo nodded and looked pityingly at Naraku who was looking very baffled.

Naraku decided to ignore all this and turned to Hojo.

" So, where are you kids heading of to eh?"

"Well-" Hojo started. But Kagura cut him off.

"Actually we were going to a concert. Theres this new band out."

Naraku grinned, the book told him exactly what to do in this situation.

"Yeah! Bands these days are so cool and…" Naraku turned away from them to check his notes that were in his back pocket and then faced them again. "and hip and…er…stuff"

Kagura and Hojo exchanged dark looks. Naraku was obviously planning to follow them.

So Kagura tried to wriggle herself out of it.

"Ah! You know? I just remembered that we have an exam tomorrow!" She stepped on Hojo's foot.

"Ow! Oh, oh yeah! Very hard exam, must study."

Kagura smiled at Naraku. He had to go to work at this time anyway. So there was no way that he could bother them at home. She was wrong.

"Oh really? I was just going that way myself! Follow me Kids!" Naraku strolled off ahead of them. Kagura and Hojo were forced to follow. She tried to ignore the laughter behind her and the imitations of Naraku's cool guy walk.

And so Naraku smiled to himself. He had done it!

He left the couple to trample behind in his wake…

**Crappy huh? Oh well, I tried! **

**Just so you know, I don't like Kagura and Hojo pairings. He was the only person stupid enough for the part. **

**Reviews are welcome! You either review or meet my pet spiders!**

**Good luck! .**


	3. Hearts

Thankx a lot Ididntdoit07, IWasATeenageBarbieDoll and everyone else who reviewed! This fic was actually going to be two chapters but oh well.

Naraku shuffled for his keys and stuffed them into the lock while Kagura hung her head in dread but Hojo was quite amused. A click told Naraku that the door was open.

"Well! Here we are!" He said happily as he stood aside to let Kagura and Hojo pass.

"So are you crazy kids gonna study in Kagura's room then? Shall I make some snacks?"

"NO! I mean…its ok, we'll order some pizza." Kagura then dragged Hojo to her room and slammed the door closed. Hojo wandered around the room looking at the pictures on the wall, he paused to have a closer look at one photo where Kagura was at least 6 years old, she was on the shoulders of a smiling Naraku. They were in the zoo. Kagura stuck herself in front of the picture and laughed nervously.

"Ah, hahahaha, nothing special here, so are we gonna study or what?"

She led Hojo to her bed where she emptied out her school bags spilling books all over the bed. Hojo sat down on the edge nervously.

"So what test do we have tomorrow?"

Hojo screwed up his face trying to remember. "Um….History I think."

Kagura searched for her history book and lay on her tummy next to Hojo where she opened it on a random page and held a pencil up to her chin thoughtfully.

"Ok…here's a question. 'Emperor Hirohito, who died in 1989, was succeeded by who?"

Hojo looked at her blankly. "Er…why don't we ask your dad?"

Kagura looked at the closed door as if trying to see through it. She could hear Naraku on the phone with the pizza company.

"Mmmmm…I don't think he'll know. Anyway the answer is his son."

"Oh"

She scanned the page for an easy question, but before she could open her mouth the door flung open and Naraku strolled in.

"Ok that's the pizza on the way! Oh, what are you studying?"

He picked up one of Kagura's history books. "Ahh…Japanese history…"

Hojo perked up a little,

"Do _you_ know Japanese history sir?"

Kagura's head jerked in Hojo's direction.

"_What are you doing?"_ She mouthed at Hojo angrily.

Naraku chuckled. "Of course I do! I was top in my class! Now what do you need my brother?" He asked Hojo as he made himself comfy and sat down cross legged on Kagura's bed. Kagura snapped the pencil which was in her hand and buried her head in her arms, while Hojo took Kagura's book and looked for an easy question.

"Oh oh ok! 'In August 1945, Japan was forced to surrender, accepting occupation by the Allied forces led by which General?"

Naraku's jaw dropped. What the hell? But he quickly recovered.

"Oh I know this! It's…..Winston Churchill right?"

Kagura groaned loudly in embarrassment of her father's lack of knowledge.

Hojo raised an eyebrow and read out the answer.

"Noooo….its Douglas Macarthur." He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Naraku laughed uncertainly and stood up.

"Ok ok, so I wasn't right. But I was close though right? _Right_?"

Hojo nodded slowly, he didn't want to make him look bad. Naraku clapped his hands together.

"Right! Who wants snacks?"

Kagura snapped out of her misery, "Huh? But the pizza will be here soon right?" She asked anxiously. Naraku glanced at his watch.

"Uhh…nah, we still have time for a small bite before."

And before she could stop him he was humming happily to himself on his way to the kitchen. Kagura could hear the shuffling of packets and the fizz of soda. Hojo waited eagerly to see what Naraku came up with next, while Kagura prayed to die now. A few minutes later Naraku pushed open the door with his foot and came in with a tray carrying two glasses of orange soda and a huge plate of what looked like spicy onions rolls stuffed with biscuits and topped off with syrup. Kagura dragged a hand down her face, the things that Naraku comes up with. But to her surprise Hojo clapped his hands together happily.

"Ooooh! My favorite!"

Naraku put down the tray on Kagura's bed and sat down next to it waiting for Hojo's approval. Hojo picked up an onion roll and popped it into his mouth; he savoured it for a while and swallowed. He licked his chops and stared at Naraku disbelievingly.

"OMG! How did you _do_ it?"

Kagura couldn't believe her ears. Hojo actually liked that stuff? Naraku squealed delightedly and began to explain his secret, Hojo listened attentively and gasped when Naraku finished.

"You have to write this down for me! Kagura you're sooo lucky! You get to eat this kind of food everyday!"

Naraku sniffed and suddenly his eyes shone with tears. He threw his arms around Hojo pulling him in a breath taking hug, knocking over the glasses of orange soda all over Kagura's books and bed.

"Hey! We have an exam tomorrow!" Kagura exclaimed but no-one was listening.

"You're like the son I never had!" Naraku wailed, Hakudoushi walked past the room just in time to listen to that comment.

"Hey…daddy?"

Naraku froze. "Err…I mean…as I said. YOU'RE LIKE THE SON I NEVER HAD!"

Hakudoushi shrugged and went off to annoy Kanna. Kagura's mouth was open in shock. She was surrounded by idiots! Hojo and Naraku were clinging to each other like father and son.

"And you're like the father that never cooked for me!" Hojo cried.

They both started sobbing uncontrollably until the doorbell rang and they stopped immediately. Naraku stood up and brushed his shoulder.

"Ah, that will be our pizza."

He got out his wallet and opened the door, Kagura was close behind.

"Oh hello! This mine?" Naraku said pointing at the pizza.

Kagura's legs turned to jelly and her heart stopped. _Who was that? _The pizza delivery boy stared at Naraku with narrowed amber eyes; Kagura stared in awe at the flowing silver hair and quickly hid behind the door frame.

"Whoa!" She gasped.

That guy was GORGEOUS. Even in that disgusting red pizza uniform he looked good! She could hear Naraku rustling dollar bills.

"There you go…" He squinted at the guy's name tag. "…Sesshoumaru."

Kagura took the risk and walked up behind Naraku just in time to see Sesshoumaru tuck his payment into his pocket and leave while Naraku waved maniacally at him. She sighed deeply and went back to her room.

"Hey Hojo! Stop snivelling and get out here. Pizza's here." She said gruffly. She was still daydreaming of 'Sesshoumaru' She would never forget that name.

Naraku set the pizza down on the table and opened the lid, savouring the smell. Hojo finally came out of Kagura's room and sat down quietly. Kagura and Naraku tucked in immediately, Hojo bit tentatively into his own slice and watched the other two wolf down theirs.

"Hey Hojo! Look what I can do! Whooooo!" Naraku balanced an olive on his nose and then jerked so that it fell into his mouth.

"Ta daaa!"

Hojo snorted with laughter and sprayed crumbs all over the table. Kagura wished she was somewhere else. This charade carried on for some time until Naraku looked at his last slice of pizza and narrowed his eyes.

"Hmmm…. Ah! I knew there was something missing! Hojo, do me a favour and get me a ginger biscuit out of the jar in the fridge?"

Hojo leapt off his chair and saluted, he marched off to the kitchen and stuck his head in the fridge.

"Uh…" He did the eeny meeny miney mo between tow purple jars which were next to each other.

"Mo!" he picked up the one on the left and stuck his hand inside.

"Ewww…this biscuits are very squidgy." He pulled one out and gasped in horror. What he was holding in his hand was not a biscuit….but a human heart. Labelled _Kagura's_. He looked into the jar and there were 2 more labelled _Kanna's _and_ Hakudoushi's._ He shoved the beating heart back into the jar and closed the fridge door quickly wiping his hands on his clothes. He clutched his own heart and gasped.

"Oh no! If I stay any longer with this freaky family he'll take my heart too! I gotta get outta here!" Poor stupid Hojo ran out of the kitchen and made for the door.

"Did you find it Hojo?" Naraku asked.

Hojo turned around, his face stark white and pointed a shaking finger dramatically at them.

"YOU MONSTERS!" He spun around and ran out of the place screaming bloody murder.

Kagura stood up shaking with anger, "Grrr…_Naraku_…."

Naraku looked up at her blankly. "What?"

"You scared him away! That's what! I'm gonna kill you!" She let out a battle cry and made for Naraku but he ran for it. Kagura chased the screaming Naraku around the room until he stopped abruptly.

"Hey wait a minute. I'M the parent!" He faced Kagura.

"Go to your room young lady! You're grounded." He said forcefully, hands on hips.

"For what?" Kagura argued.

"Er…..because I said so. Now Go!"

Kagura hung her head and marched off to her room slamming the door.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Next morning Kagura trudged to school, she couldn't convince her father that being grounded meant that she couldn't go to school. Didn't work. She caught up with Hojo who still looked very shaken.

"Hey Hojo!"

Hojo squeaked and backed away from her in fear, Kagura ignored this.

"You know, I've been thinking…and…I think we should just stay friends. Okay?"

Hojo nodded vigorously and tightened his grip over his heart.

"Anything! Just don't take my heart!" He squeaked.

"Huh?"

Just then Kagome walked past and waved at Hojo, who looked at her desperately as if asking for help.

"Higurashi! WAIT!" He ran after her leaving Kagura alone and confused. She then shrugged and began to daydream about her Sesshoumaru….

THE END?

**Sorry about the crappy ending. I have no more ideas for this story! All my great ideas go to my other two stories! Oh well…My spiders shall rest for now. Bye!**


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